Episode 060916

It’s been a while, my old pal, since I last talked about my experiences in a diary-of-some-sort post (the last one was a record of my ridiculously funny dream, wasn’t it?). Self-reflection is in order, especially when ‘69’ is so nice a number to put on top of an entry.

FYI (or not), this number only comes once in a cycle of 365 days.

(For those who are neither familiar or fond of my rant, feel free to proceed to the ‘Back’ button or ‘X’ marks the spot for a quick exit. For those who aren’t, bear with me. I promise it won’t be terribly long.)

I read from somewhere that humans are creatures of duality, or I just made that up in order to begin ranting. A kinda opening, maybe. Okay, I may have made that up; what I want to say is that we, as human beings, often have at least two individuals sharing our one body; sometimes there are cases of more. I’m not talking about MPD, or multi-personality disorder (there’s a good and complex manga dwelling on this subject so if you have time, go check it out); instead I’m referring to the multi-facets of personality and the fact that we can act, at different times and in different circumstances, like different people while these ‘different’ people are in fact different aspects of the same person.

Well, I sincerely hope you’ve grasped the gist of my incoherent rambling mess. No? Okay…

My case is relatively simple, or so I thought: there are only two beings cohabiting in this flesh called my body. They have their own names alright, one being G and the other, Joel.

If you’re re-looking at the main page to check, yes, that’s the same Joel in Joel’s Toy Box. So this blog is basically a box to hold Joel’s toys. When she feels like it, she comes and takes some to play. When she gets bored with the toys (boy how often does get bored), she discards the toys in the box and leaves them to dust. Fortunately for me, Joel’s been in rather high spirit these days, resulting in this ‘toy box’ appearing quite pleasing to the eyes (with frequent updates to boot).

So, who do you want to read first? G or Joel. I bet it’s Joel. Let’s go with Joel.

Joel came first; before there was G, before the name ‘Joel’ ever occurred to me, there was Joel. Selfish Joel, nasty Joel who demanded all the attention (and pretty much everything else she wanted) to her vain self, who resorted to bully other kids when she didn’t get it, who placed herself at the center of the universe. Joel was and has always been every dark, twisted, ugly aspect of my personality combined. If you’ve been following my blog, you’d definitely know besides all the bright posts of fictions or fanfictions, there are entries of my ranting about how tired I was to this life and to this world. I call them long-running ‘episodes’ of my depression drama. Kinda unsightly to read as they were gloomy at best and more often than not brimmed with hatred, anger issues and unhealthy amounts of reference to death and self-harm. I was lucky to snap out of it and presently, though I still feel its vulture claw from time to time, it does not cause me to feel the end of the world. In hindsight, I suppose it was Joel’s fault for making me such a mess. Chaos is what she fancies, as though life would be too boring if things were not stirred up. And, just between you me, Joel is not even human, so it isn’t very strange that she can be alien to some human feelings. Joel is some sort of feline, not cat though, Joel is never as small and cute as a kitty. I’m unsure which but Joel must be a type of larger feline, probably a panther, a leopard or something else altogether. As far as I’m concerned, Joel has the attributes of a (big) cat: she dislikes humans in general and she only allows a chosen few that she doesn’t find annoying to pet her. She has claws, sharp claws and it pleases her to no end when she gets to scratch something, namely me. I still have physical evidence of Joel’s ‘playfulness’ on my forearm. Hopefully they won’t scare the guys off in the future. She is competitive and her envy, sometimes combined with jealousy, is a force to reckon with. Like every other cat, Joel hates morning and if she’s forced to be awake in the morning, you’ll be sure to meet her gloomy cold face (that was my default setting back in high school). Oh, let’s not forget Joel’s terrible mood swings and snarkiness. If you happen to get on her bade side, she’s more than ready to hurl snarky remarks at you, even if such behavior will generally assaults G with remorse afterwards; G who cares about others’ feelings while Joel doesn’t. Joel usually does as she pleases.

After Joel, I had G. As a matter of fact, G came much, much later and was really slow in her process of maturity. G is the opposite of Joel; G is the superego to Joel’s Id; G is what you find pleasant about my person. G is, most of the time, nice, rather sociable, able to crack jokes and witty. G cares about what others think, how they feel and whether they may be hurt by her seemingly harmless words. Therefore, in contrast with Joel’s Devil-may-care attitude, G treads with care and she slows down and takes time to choose what she will say so that she will not upset the other person. Also, while Joel is wild and free to show her rage, G again takes time for her anger to simmer down until it cools. On top of that, G has the ability to cheer others up when their mood is low. She jokes and sometimes even plays the fool in order that the people around, who are also close to her, may feel a little better. Heavy atmosphere puts her under stress and thus, she will do what she can to lighten it. On a good day, you’ll meet with G and find her quite an agreeable person.

One tiny problem is that Joel and G switches place as often as Joel’s mood swings – one minute it’s G, nice G and the next it could be Joel talking to you, ready to strike you with her claws. Even I have a hard time telling who is who; only when I carelessly slip a bitter remark or harbor a bad thought do I realize it’s Joel who is in charge (does Joel just love to surface and make her presence known). Worse yet, Joel can camouflage as G as she is ‘in the mood’ or G is too tired to deal with the world around. She imitates her sibling well, smiling cordially, speaking in soft voice and all that, but if you are a little keen, you’ll notice the cold light of disdain in her eyes and an icy edge in her voice, which G would never have. You know, as funny as it sounds, many have mistakenly interpreted Joel’s quiet disdain for shyness. “She’s really shy, isn’t she?” they asked, made fun of it even, never knowing at the same time, Joel was silently cursing and imagining ripping them apart with her claws.

Despite everything, G and Joel are siblings (though G is human and Joel isn’t), so they’re bound to share a few similarities. They both like to look good in others’ eyes, whether it’s human G or feline Joel. Therefore, they make sure they spare the time to groom themselves, pick out the clothes and accessories to match, wear makeup sometimes and step on high-heels. They fancy uncostly yet unconventional-looking accessories and like to collect affordable perfumes at convenience stores. They are both attracted to dark, disturbing matters and do not shy away from the sight of gore; naturally, they enjoy horror movies/TV series/anime/manga etc. more than considered healthy. Moreover, they have a soft spot for beautiful things, mostly beautiful people. A truth is, if you qualify as ‘beautiful’ or ‘eye-pleasing’ in their standard, you’ll find G to be even more agreeable and Joel, (nasty, selfish) Joel, pretty nice. If you do not, well, you’ll meet the usual G or Joel, depending on who is in charge at that moment.

As troublesome as they can be, I can and will never be able to get rid of either of them. Without either G or Joel, I’d be incomplete as a human being. So you two, stay with me, and we’ll get through this life till the very end.

Happy birthday to both of you.

From me, with love

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