[ToB] The Money-Sprouting Bonsai


Source: http://splashmagazine.com/

Hey hey, long time no see. Nice shades! Where did you get them? Come in, come in. Have a seat. Ah… mind that bonsai, please. It’s my boss’s left in my care while he’s away on a business trip. If it so much loses a branch he’ll seriously mount my head on the wall. Looks odd, right? All branches and no leaf. Nah, the white is totally natural. My boss is obsessed with collecting rare and bizarre items like this little guy. He calls them his “employees” and believe it or not, their exhibitions have earned him more than you could imagine. Anyway, sorry about the smelly clutter. My lovely maid Olivia is on vacation so you’ll have to excuse me. She’ll be livid when she returns. Urg. What a hopeless creature I am without her. Would you like some tea? Coffee? Don’t give me that look; at least I can manage a coffee for my guest.  “Coffee is fine?” All right, a cappuccino for you. I’ve just bought this fantastic coffee machine. Just a minute.

How is it? Good? Ha-ha, surprise surprise. This thing’s the best. I’ve tried it a few times since bought and I’d love it more than my spouse if I had a spouse. Heavenly. Now I no longer have to squeeze myself in the endless line just to get a meager cup of cappuccino served with a barista’s scowl. Not even a cute scowl honestly. Honestly I never get it why it’s so crowded every freaking time I arrive. The coffee isn’t that good anyway and I feel sorry for my purse having to tip that rude barista. What’s with the tipping culture in the USA? It’s basically robbing! Not every one of us is Bill Gates! Oops, sorry for my babbling. You know I can’t help it sometimes; years of working as a curator kind of ingrained that habit in me. So, how’s it hanging these days? Anything interesting lately? Oh… I’m terribly sorry to hear that but maybe there’s a silver lining in that bleak landscape of being laid off. Your ex-boss’s one hell-spawned miser who had been milking you for years and years. I admire your courage to have endured such devil. If I were you, I’d have quit on day one… right after I buried him at the deepest, darkest depth of the Marianna Trench! There’s a special place in hell for misers I tell you. Anyway, the Lord is telling you it’s time for a change. Say, have you applied yet or are you enjoying your newfound freedom for a while? Why not book a trip to some exotic retreat? Oh… You applied for jobs and got turned down… thrice this week. Tsk. They’d have cried bloody tears if they had known such a bright, talented individual they’ve missed. Yes, yes, that’s what you are. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’ll get a new job in no time. A bit tight on money, eh? To be completely honest with you, I’ve been in quite a dire situation myself. You know how my job is already. It isn’t the season for either the gallery or the museum and—wait a sec, that reminds me… there may be an opportunity for you. You’re looking for a job, aren’t you? How about one at our museum? No knowledge on artifacts and such? No, no, don’t worry. It isn’t required. Ours doesn’t do many artifacts anyway, mostly bizarre stuff, as its name suggests. All you have to do is……… (static noise). Precisely. Come to the museum at 8 tomorrow morning. I’ll tell the manager so he’ll be expecting you. This is one hell of a job, I tell you. You practically get paid for doing nothing! I would myself apply if I weren’t an employee already. Just between you and me, if my boss asks……… (static noise) say………. (static noise). Trust me. You will be employed in a wink. No, no, don’t thank me. We’re friends, aren’t we? Now that it’s settled, want to join me on some fun? What, have to go already? I was hoping you would stay for lunch. Not instant ramen, I assure you; I may be sloppy and lazy and whatever but I can cook. You once said my lasagna was the best in town, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten. Still, I guess it can’t help if you’re going to Rebecca. Maybe next time, ‘kay? Go. Run. Don’t make the good woman wait………………. My my, you forgot your sunglasses! Geez, every time! I thought I was hopeless but you’re even more so than I…

Ladies and gents, welcome to our Museum of Bizarrities. I’m so glad the winter break is finally over − it seemed to drag on forever − so we can gather here for the reopening of the unique place we all adore. Okay, maybe not all of us. To mark the turning of a new year, I’m very pleased to present to you our latest addition to the grand family of bizarrities. With no further ado, here it is. As you can see, this little guy is unlike any conventional bonsai you will find in the botany shops. The branches are leafless and bleached white—Oh hey, mister, you have a question? No, no, the white isn’t painted. It’s one hundred percent genuine; I’ll bet my life on that. That you think we’re exhibiting a shame is very hurtful to our reputation. Please, step in for a better look but no touching, thank you very much. You sure have keen eyes, my lady; there’s certainly a face vaguely printed on the trunk. I think it’s a face of anguish. And no, it’s just natural as the color. Feel free to take a few shots, everyone. The white and the face mark, though bizarre, aren’t what qualify for its honored place in our museum; we’re a prestigious organization with high standards after all. What’s special about this little guy is that he can sprout money! Exactly, you heard me right. It has no leaf because paper money with grow on the branch. Seeing is believing so allow me a little demonstration. […………………] (incoherent chanting). Here, a Benjamin for the little lady at the front. Be sure to grab yourself a plushie or anything you like at our gift shop later, alright? Now, unfortunately our little guy has his limits and therefore he will be able to take only one more request. No, if he could sprout money forever − which I secretly wish he could, just don’t tell my boss − we wouldn’t put him on public display.  Right, a 10 euro for the beautiful senorita to my left. Don’t forget to visit our shop for a lovely souvenir. This little guy is available in key chains and postcards. Quite photogenic I dare say. Get him before he’s all sold out. Now please follow me to our next exhibition…

Well, all visitors have mostly left. What a busy day we have. You’ve done a fine job of entertaining them in your debut; Boss will be very pleased when he hears. My, this place always seems so devoid when it’s closed. Good thing I’ve gotten accustomed to it for all my years working here. Now I’m going home and treat myself to a hot, leisure bath and a glass of red. Sounds good, no? But before that I’m going to escort you back to your ‘boudoir’ and prepare the meal for you. Since Boss puts me in charge of you, I’m not going to fail him. I’ve never failed him, even with some of the most difficult he’s entrusted in my care. Who, you ask? Let’s see… there was this one that was a bit too voracious for her size. When she was my responsibility, she demanded to be fed constantly and I wouldn’t even have a break. It was exhausting, not to mention detrimental to our influx of patrons! I was so glad her humongous appetite appalled even Boss and not long after her arrival, she was put away in the back chamber. That vast black scary chamber at the south most wing. But you’re a good boy; you won’t be like her… Here we are. Just a sec and your food will be ready (squelching noises). All done! Bon appetite. I’m going home now. See you tomorrow………. Almost forgot! What a scatterbrain I am. I bring them with me everyday − right in my pants pocket − and I keep being forgetful. You left them at my home in your last visit, too rushed to see your Rebecca. Here. They look gorgeous on you. Sweet dream, my friend, and keep up your good job tomorrow.

End (?)

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