Episode 131215

Don’t watch tv no more, the news fucking scares me

Afterlife – XYLØ

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Avert your eyes – don’t waste your time by reading this. Just another entry of wallowing despair.

My appetite is terrible these days. The sights of food don’t stir it, the smell of food nauseates me and three meals a day has become a terrible chore. Many a time I think it would be fine to me if we could live on water, air and sunlight, like trees. Still, a human body needs feeding in order to survive and so I have to feed mine. I don’t want to put a stop to this life. Not yet. Despite the sad fact that I think about death more than considered healthy.

At the age of 24, I discover that I may have clinical depression. Some say that self-awareness is a positive step, that it’s good to know what you’re dealing with. To me, not so much. Knowing that I have it and so what? The only thing that I can do right now is to live with it and try not to let myself sink too low during each episode. Some days are just more difficult than others. Some days I can still put a smile on my face or crack a joke while some days I’m falling apart. I don’t know if I have a limit yet, or how long I can hold it before it breaks, but “A woman can only be pushed so far, and I’m right on the edge.” (The Countess – AHS 5)

There’s toxic in my veins – forever bitter, forever envious, forever one step away from being truly happy. Sometimes I have to bleed it out, otherwise it’ll become too much to bear.

Wasted on the young – that is me.

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Few things interest me these days and so, once I find something that fascinates me, I become obsessed with it, to the point my happiness is dependent of it: take it away from me and I’m falling right into a black pit. To climb down is so hard, mostly because some part of me just wants to stay in it. The same goes for people: there are only a few people I want to have a conversation with, but even that depends on my mood, and my mood swings like a relentless pendulum fuelled with everlasting energy. The prospect of meeting new people is daunting, and so I cling onto my friends; still, many of those I call friends have become mere acquaintances now. We just don’t feel the need to include one another in our life, and the desire to share a laugh, or a tear has mostly faded. Drifting away. Heck I can’t even imagine what we’d talk about if we were to meet. Strange that we used to be so close.

 

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