Episode 171115

“My own mind is a demon that haunts me.”

Aurora de Martel (The Originals 3×05 “The Axeman’s Letter”)

… and some not-so-rare days, my body, too.

There are days that I feel like Xandrie when she lets the gun kiss her temple – exhausted by the world and its people.

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There are days that I can sympathize with Darren as he moves through the big house like a ghost, watching people having fun and feeling disgusted at it.

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These days I can barely hold myself together: my body and soul tired, my appetite lost and I want nothing more than to just collapse – on the floor, on the table, doesn’t matter – and sleep until motivation finds me again and wakes me up. Carrying out the tasks is hard enough; it’s even more difficult to keep a conversation. So, in those days, I truly and very often wish I were mute.

In those days, I am a true bitch. Even the smallest thing irritates me and I lash out at any chance I have. When I can’t, I become impassive, uncaring, incredibly selfish and most importantly, numb to most emotions save exasperation. I won’t try to justify my bad behaviors, but understand, it brings me no joy to act the way I do and rarely can I help it.

In one of those days, I might have offended people, some of whom I just don’t give a damn whether I offend them or not, and some of whom are my friends. I guess it’s intolerable for them to have a friend like me, who goes on a monthly cycle of terrible swinging moods and spoils the fun.

Today I lost something and regained something. What I regained had been mine all along while what I lost might have never been in my hands to begin with.

…And, another thing to remember, the scar I carved for them, for my friends, is the only and most prominent on my forearm.

 

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