Episode 240315

“A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself”

Coma White – Marilyn Manson

I’m never a fan of Marilyn Mansion and it’s not like I listen to all of his songs. But some of them really touch me deep and remain in my all-time favorite tracklist. Sweet Dreams (Are Made of this) is one; Coma White is another. Whenever I’m down, I play Coma White, turning the volume to maximum to give myself a sense that the whole world is DOWN with me. A therapy that works most of the time.

Last Sunday we got a friend gathering of sort and I realize I talked more in that evening then I do the whole week, which, in my friend’s words, was a good sign. Wish she was right, but no. I can smile, I can laugh, I can crack jokes (free of my usual sarcasm), I can be charming, but all of them are only ephemeral, a natural mask that I can put on easily but it isn’t the real me. I was being out-of-character that evening and if I’m totally honest with myself, I felt good, so good that I want it to happen again. Unlikely. when that mask is stripped off, you see the real me: bitter, full of biting sarcasm and self-destructive tendencies (cut off my nose to spite my face, that’s what I do), and, let’s not forget, a touch of insanity. You still find me charming? Perhaps not. Most of those who got acquainted with me left me after a while and often I asked myself the reason for their leaving. Let’s not kid myself no more. I know why they left, I’m just playing blind to the plain truth.

I said it once that I played the fool to make those around me happy. I still am but it seems this fool no longer has any tricks up her sleeve.

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