Episode 021215

Mein World

“All a misunderstanding, my love”, he said. Acid on the tongue. The blood sweat had broken out again, and his eyes glistened as if they were wet. “It was to hurt others, don’t you see, the violin playing, to anger them, to secure for me an island where they could not rule. They would watch my ruin, unable to do anything about it.”

Nicolas de LenfentThe Vampire Lestat

I often imagine that I’m living in a little private world. My world I created since when I can’t recall, but it has to be long, long time ago. Slowly, slowly my younger self built it, silently, silently, until it became something to exist on its own, something indestructible. And I, the older, more callous , cynical self have already wallowed in it, taking it for granted. It isn’t real, all right, and it has no shape, no boundaries, invisible; yet it’s palpable, I know, and it separates me from the rest of the real world by a thin glass wall. Detached. That’s the word I’d use, as I see the real world through the wall and feel no part of it: what gives others immense joys can’t affect me, not even a little bit. Anticipation. Fun. Beauty. None of them. Lestat calls this world a “Savage Garden” where beauty is the only principle that thrives. OK. I get it. I just don’t feel the way he does about the world; beauty I don’t see very often but savage, only savage. And it disgusts me as much as I feel disgusted by my own detachment.

Well, we all want to be Lestat, to have his enthusiasm, his eagerness to embrace beauty, but many of us just end up being Nicki, poor, pessimistic Nicki who sees nothing but madness and chaos and failures and darkness, Nicki who finally burns himself to ash.

I admit that my points sometimes get fragmented. Such is my weakness, so bear with me, as it only gets more disorganized from here on.

So I created this character Lucifer, the Lord of Hell and Lost Souls, the Prince of Darkness or simply the Devil, for a compilation of short stories I keep adding new installments. Basically, my Lucifer is my idea of an omnipotent character that either blesses or messes with mortals (I seem to love this type of character a little too much than appropriate) confined in the image of a vampire… James McAvoy. I wouldn’t deny that when I had the first sketch of Lucifer, I didn’t think about it, his appearance so alike a vampire’s – like I said once, I’ve always been obsessed with those pale and bloody fiends.

So this Lucifer of mine created a replica of Eden right in the bowel of Hell, first to spite his Father, and second, to house the accursed souls of his ‘sons’ who were and will ever be denied the true Eden. I might not have realized when I wrote about Eden, I was taking inspiration from this tiny private world of mine. In subconscious egoism, I created Eden to be magnificent, beautiful and ethereal while in reality it’s meager and insignificant. Perhaps that’s the reason why none would want to truly enter it, though I have invited them, maybe even begged them. In Eden, Lucifer is never truly lonely; he has his ‘sons’, as he so endearingly calls the mortals who spawned from his seduction of mortals, and his ‘sons’ all love him, in some way or another. In reality, well, I don’t think I’m that well-loved, quite the opposite. I know myself to be unkind and selfish, vain and arrogant and many a time apathetic, cold and uncaring, a wretched being who may be incapable of loving any other than itself. But I love that being, that part of me and never want to let it go. It’s like the little finger that is a little crooked, maybe a little deformed and it serves no real purpose than just being there and marring the beauty of your hand. But would you ever want to get rid of it and so your hand is handicapped? ‘Course you wouldn’t. Same here. If I were ever to eliminate that part of me, I wouldn’t be me. Another would take my place and perhaps you would love her more than you ever love me, if you do love me at all. But I wouldn’t love her, for I would no longer exist.

But you see, my world can be as small as my bed and as indefinite as Eden. And I, the host, will never shun you.

That, I will try.

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