The Vampire Chronicles Random Thoughts

*Images aren’t mine. Credits go to the people who have created them.

… just for shits and giggles, really. Nothing serious.

Warning: Drop the F-bombs everywhere. I kinda let go off my usual inhibitions with language here. Bear with me or click ‘back’, the choice is yours. (I’ve been obsessed with Saw lately.)

  1. Interview with the Vampire offers some valuable marital lessons

_ NEVER marry someone simply because he/she is fucking hot and you can’t take your eyes off them. Take time studying their personality too. Don’t be rash. If you are hasty in your decision, your marriage is likely to end up in a huge shithole. Then let’s hope you have the stamina of a vampire to endure and probably try to fix it.

_ If you want your partner to do something for you, fucking SAY it. To their face. It may sound a bit whiny but it definitely works better than holding onto your precious silence. Not everyone is Charles Xavier, even if they are an enhanced supernatural being.

_ Complaining is not a good way to solve the problem, but it may resolve the tension between you and your partner. Again, fucking say it if something’s annoying you; DON’T stay silent. If that doesn’t work out your problem(s), time to find an expert.

_ Trying to fix your marriage and keeping your spouse by ‘accidentally’ producing a child is NEVER a wise idea. More than often this will end in tears and blood, a lot of blood. Talk about domestic violence.

_ Whatever you do, at least TRY to agree on your child’s education. If you can’t do this, please look at Point 3.

_ Again, do remember: Fire doesn’t solve a thing, whether you burn your plantation, your townhouse (and half New Orleans with it), or a huge theater full of vampire actors. Neither does violence. If your spouse says he/she has something to tell you, grab a chair, sit down and LISTEN instead of trying to hit him/her with a poker.

_ Last but not least, abandoning your injured spouse in a fucking burning house (you also started the fire) is neither legally nor morally. If you aren’t a vampire and living in the 19th century, there’s high chance you’ll spend the rest of your life in jail. First-degree murder, duh.

 

  1. Silly Sexy Vampires

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Lestat de Lioncourt: I’m sexy and I know it (but not everyone cares) – like you haven’t said it, like, a dozen times in the book.

Louis de Pointe du Lac: I’m sexy and I don’t know it. (Lestat and countless of your victims do. See, even the guys want you. Especially the guys. Need to count?)

Nicolas de Lenfent: There’s no sexy art, only good and bad art. (Nobody’s talking about art!)

David Talbot: I’m sexy and I love it (merci beaucoup Lestat) – Lestat’s narcissism has seeped into you, I see.

Armand: I’m sexy and I use it. *okayface*

Daniel Molloy: I’m sexy but not everyone agrees (Armand sure does).

Marius de Romanus: I’m sexy but what should I do with it? – Aside from charming adolescent boys to your bed???

Quinn Blackwood: I may be sexy and my evil twin brother loves it. (Sure he does!)

Mael: The tree is sexy. So is the rock next to it. *okayface*. Next you’ll say the sky is sexy and so is the universe -_-. How about a certain nerdish redheaded vampire?

Antoine: Maybe Lestat thought I was sexy but then he abandoned me. *pat pat* Not that he abandoned you; he just didn’t give a shit about your being alive or not. See, not even remembered your name.

Khayman: Armand is sexy. Lestat is sexy. Louis is sexy. You guys are so adorable. Come, let me embrace you… Sure, as long as you don’t ‘accidentally’ burn them.

Magnus: I’m not sexy and I know it. But Lestat IS sexy so… *maniac evil laughter*

Akasha: Lestat is sexy and he’s much sexier when he slaughters in my name. Right…

Gabrielle: The way the python strikes its prey with deadly swiftness surely is IMMENSELY sexy…

 

  1. Odd things the vampires have done:

_ Doing an interview (which is basically the first book).

_ Telling a mortal boy about a vampire’s lair to stir his curiosity so that he’d come there and get himself captured by another vampire.

_ Writing an autobiography (about vampire life with all vampire secrets), writing and performing vampire songs (also revealing vampire secrets) and becoming a rockstar.

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_ Writing a series of books detailing your vampire life and adventures after your autobiography.

_ Criticizing long-lost lover’s fashion sense while you should be embracing him and kissing him senselessly to make up for a CENTURY of separation.

_ Trying to become gods.

_ Marveling at how fine/gorgeous a bunch you and your vampire friends make while you’re here to discuss serious business that involves a mad vampire queen’s genocidal plan on your kind.

_ Messing around with modern technology, e.g. making lethal concoctions with the kitchen blender, roasting rats and cockroaches with the microwave oven or placing a camera in your coffin to film your death sleep.

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_ Creating a harem full of pretty boys who call you “Master” and are willing to be ‘disciplined’ by you.

_ Picking the most beautiful amongst those boys to do naughty things with you when the night falls.

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_ Going to the theater to watch plays and then kidnapping the lead actor because he’s hot and you’re one depraved vampire.

_ Creating a theater to perform (vampire) plays while eating the audience.

_ Adopting a German Shepherd as your pet.

_ Adopting an orphan girl and making her a vampire to keep your vampire lover from leaving you. We all know where this is going…

_ Adopting a mortal girl as your daughter (or future daughter-in-law).

_ Buying and wearing ‘vampire clothes’ (like Dracula’s outfit in the titular movie) so that you’re more like a vampire, despise the fact that you’re a 6000-year-old bloodsucker. Also, buying a coffin just so your mortal guests have something to sit on while visiting your vampire lair.

_ Trying ‘Frankenstein’ on a vampire girl.

_ Trying to produce a child with a mortal. Twilight-esque. Full stop.

_ Trying to get a suntan.

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  1. Vampires & Romance

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Romance is…

…stalking your love interest, draining a large portion of his blood and leaving him out in the cold. Strangely enough, that worked on Louis.

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…capturing your love interest, releasing him (not without a killing threat), stalking him anywhere he goes, driving him mad. Strangely enough, that worked on Daniel.

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…buying a sex slave from the brothel, bathing him, feeding him and keeping him in your house as an ‘apprentice’ so that you could take him to bed every night and do naughty things. Strangely enough, that worked splendidly on Armand.

…trying to seduce your love interest into being a bloodsucker and when failing, forcing him to become one in a violent manner not unlike rape. Strangely enough, that worked rather well on David.

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…burning anyone that offends your love interest and then kidnapping him, then putting a sword in his hand and telling him to kill for you. Unsurprisingly, that worked prettily on Lestat.

…falling in love with your lover’s lover, forming a perfect ménage à trois with each of you loving the other two. Unstrangely, that appeared to work well on Lestat and Louis.

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…babysitting your old flame’s troubled old flame while he’s building a happy little family with his another old flame. No one can tell if that worked on Daniel.

…burning your beloved’s house in rage and telling him to come live with you. Maybe that worked on Louis.

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…killing your love interest’s beloved and leading him to believe his old flame is dead. That worked on Louis. For a while.

…pushing your love interest off the tower roof, breaking all the bones in his body. That… never worked on Lestat!

…stalking your love interest, letting her see you but not showing yourself to her, and sending her expensive anonymous gift. Strangely enough, that worked well on Jesse.

…murdering your lover’s lover in front of his eyes and urging him to help you dispose the body. Somehow that worked on Louis.

…telling your current girlfriend that you, her, and your ex can live happily ever after together. Did that work on Bianca? Nope.

…telling your ex that you, her, and your current girlfriend can live happily ever after together. Pandora didn’t buy that. At all.

…mocking your lover’s fashion sense at your reunion. Strangely enough, that still worked on Louis.

…sucking your lover’s blood and allowing him/her to suck yours. Unstrangely, that works on every vampire.

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