Episode 050214

“Who do I have to fuck to get a break in this stinking town?” – Max Bialystock (The Producers 2005)

Sorry about the vulgar language but this sentence does reflect my feelings right now. Sometimes I’m hit with this urge to shout it out. But no, I’ll never do it. Shouting out to vent my piled up frustrations is not my kind of thing (or the kind of thing people expect me to do). Mine is to keep silence and bury them deep deep down until I forget about their existence (or at least I think I do).

It’s funny that yesterday I took this quiz that said I was an old soul which, most of the time, kept my feelings bottled. It’s kind of true since I can share a lot of things but they don’t include my emotions. You’re right to say I don’t have enough trust for anyone to be completely open with them. And believe me when I say I’ve experienced betrayal a few times. My feelings aren’t “right”, so they said. It’s not “right” to feel mad. It’s not “right” to be frustrated. It’s not “right” to feel disappointed. It’s not “right” to feel tired and disgusted. It’s not “right” to be “me”.

A break is what I need at the moment but it seems they just don’t want to give me. “When will you graduate?”, they asked me when I was in college. “When will you get a job?”, they asked me after I graduated. And when I finally get a job, they’ll ask me when I get a boyfriend. When I bring one home, they’ll ask me when we plan to have a wedding. When we’re married, they’ll ask us when we plan to have a baby. Asking and always asking. Do they even get tired with all those questions? I bet they don’t really care. Then why ask? My life’s mine and when I’m ready for something, I’m ready. Why ask? Why urge? Why not giving me a break? I’m tired of those queries already.

My “dream” I won’t dare call it so for if I do, I won’t have the courage to pursue it. Knowing it’s there, inside me, is enough. I strive for it, even if I have to stand alone on my way.

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