Episode 181013


Today I used an old spoon which has been in my house for more than ten years. Felt like the child I used to be.

Sometimes I have a feeling though my body and part of my mind have grown, a certain part remains a child’s. Sometimes I try to act mature (and fortunately, succeed), most of the time I’m very childish. I get jealous easily when someone closed to me gives their affection to someone else, no matter who. I crave attention to the point I almost whore it. I want people who know me care about me, talk to me. To be honest, though I enjoy (and can bear with) being alone, I often feel lonely. I try to indulge myself in reading and writing and maybe playing games, the feeling of loneliness many a time comes crashing on me like a tsunami. I remember Gulong said something about being lonely. He said, when a person becomes too lonely, only god knows what he’ll do. I don’t know whether I have reached that level of ‘too lonely’ and neither do I know what I’ll do if I reach it.

It’s a rather funny coincidence. When I start reading Xiao Li Fei Dao fanfiction, I begin to suffer from the same illness Li did in the book. My throat feels as if I have swallowed a dagger and the inside of my mouth swells and pains me. Oh, don’t forget the coughing. Seeing a doctor I will not do, for I hate going to the clinic the most. Instead, I’ll wait until it goes away (like other times) while trying to amuse myself with the thought of coughing blood as Li did. It’s kind of amusing to see fanfiction writers tend to overdramatize Li’s illness, to the point that he got killed by it. In the book, the root of his illness seemed to be mental rather than physical and once he started seeing Xiao Hong, his illness nearly went away.

Started reading a Li Xunhuan x Zhou Donglai fanfiction. Started regretting doing so. The characters seem too OOC and one thing I hate the most when reading fanfiction is that the characters become OOC (and not in a good or hilarious way). Since this one isn’t too long, I think I’ll try to see how this one ends (I have plenty of time, don’t I).

Finished my third installation of the vampire mixing with wuxia series. This one is my most favorite by far. I enjoy writng the kind of torturous affection (and by ‘torturous’ I mean REAL tortures, S&M inspired, not the kind you see in those cheap draggy Korean drama series). I love to ‘darken’ lawfully good characters, making them do stuff their lawfully good self would never allow, revealing a dark, sinful corner in their soul. I love to see explore the dark and twisted side of humanity.

The picture of bento seems to be irrelevant but it stirs my appetite which is rather low these days. I hate to admit I have anorexia but the symptoms all point out to it.

Another pointless rant.

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