Chapter 2 : A monster, am I ?

Translated lyric from the song Last Word by Rentrer En Soi

I was walking on the streets of Paris, having almost every inch of my body covered by a black cloak. My hands were bandaged, my cello case rested on my back. I knew that now, I looked very much like a zombie in those horror movies people seemed to enjoy. Ghosts, zombies, mummies, vampires, demons… things that could only scared children and those with no guts. What we had been through for all these years, fighting Chiropterans and all, weren’t some thing movie producers could imagine.

It was in the mid afternoon, the time when I should not come out of my shelter. I did, anyway. Watching the sun lights reflecting on the glass skyscrapers, contemplating this city shining gloriously, this was a hobby I found myself hard to get rid of. There was something in this city that would always attract you, amaze you and no matter how many countries you had gone to, it would never fail to capture your heart. Day or night, Paris had its own charm.

Cherished by the circling sun and the sinking moon

The silver sunlight sways

However, I soon realized that walking on the streets at this time was a terrible mistake. When a little boy bumped against me, the hood fell off, revealing what I was trying to hide from the entire world. So horrified by what he had just seen, the boy ran to his mother, shouting and crying : “Mommy, it’s a monster !”. That was when my instinct urged me to disappear at once. No more trouble needed.

“A monster am I ? ”

I kept asking myself the same question everytime I happened to find my twin starring at me in the mirror. Years ago, it was just my right arm. Now, half of my face and body had lost their human form. They were, like what the boy said, monstrous. That day, at MET, I was supposed to die. No regret. All I could say was that I was more than willing to have sacrificed my life for her. All I knew was that I could not let her die. She still had a bright future waiting for her, a loving family to welcome her back, a dream for her to fulfill. And I, all I had was her.

The prayer on the bright sun cherishes the emptiness

There are no words for the sadness

My heart hurts because you are drifting away from me

It would have been better if I had just died, along with that Chevalier of Diva. But, somehow, the Chiropteran power inside kept me alive. Days, months or even years, I couldn’t tell how much time it had taken for me to get myself out of what had been known as one of the best theatre in the world. I did survive, but I was no longer the Haji she knew. Everything came with a price. Half of my body had been crushed, only to regenerate in Chiropteran form. With this form, I was degraded from the rank of Chevalier. For someone who desperately tried to cling on to the edge of life, it was an acceptable cost.

Time tell me that this is the end

My heart hurts

I sink in solitude

What kept me from tearing off my head from all these years was a smile of her, the queen I served, the girl I treasured more than myself, the reasons for me to continue my shameful life. Every year, I came to her tomb to make sure she was enjoying her peaceful sleep. Of course she was. She had her family, people who cared deeply for her. She had a new Chevalier to protect and take care of her after she woke up. Kai would be a better Chevalier than myself, since he was able to give her smiles and happiness, things that I couldn’t give her no matter how I wished to.

I doubted that she would ever need me anymore.

Why is it that when I picture your smile, tears fill my eyes

My heart hurts because you are drifting away from me

Never to see you again

Never even to touch

I lose focus on the meaning to live

I lose sight of reason to believe

Still, I wanted to see her. Wanted to be with her.

I just, couldn’t.

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