The melancholy state of Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald

Rating : K+

Pairing : errr…

Genre : Humor

Characters : Kayneth, Sola and Lancer

Preview : Sola’s growing affection for the handsome Servant is not what Lord El-Melloi will turn a blind eye to.

Although his Servant is not exactly the one he planned to acquire at first, Alexander the Great, Diarmuid is not quite a bad choice. With his outstanding skill in melee combats and his great agility, added with his two Noble Phantasms, each holds unique effects, Diarmuid is able to fight evenly with Servant Saber- King of Knights. Plus, being a loyal knight, Diarmuid obeys his Master’s orders, which are sometimes stupid, faithfully, unlike some arrogant kings who often make a fool out of their Masters.

Because all of these pros, Lord El-Melloi should have no complaints about Servant Lancer, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne.

But he has, anyway. Nobody is perfect, even the Heroic Spirits.

Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, son of Donn, grandson of Duibhne, was the strongest and the most beautiful warrior of the Fianna. That is how legends recorded him. Not only was he famous for his great abilities in battles as he once destroyed seven hundred soldiers single-handedly(1) but he also gained inarguable popularity among the opposite sex. Tall and perfect body, neither too slender nor too bulky, in modern way of speaking, one can say he possesses an athletic body which is commented by his skintight outfit that usually makes women gasp in awe. Whenever Kayneth looks at his Servant, the prodigy magus cannot help but silently compares Diarmuid’s with his own body, which is rather skinny due to the lack of exercises. Being an excellent lecturer at such a young age, never in his entire life has Kayneth felt second to anybody because of his poor body shape; in fact, he often looks down on others, assuming that his ‘brain’ outspeaks their ‘brawns’. Yet this Servant deals a great blow on his pride, making Kayneth feel inferior and envious. Not to mention his rich, wavy dark hair and his extremely handsome face that sometimes makes straight men feel gay for him. As a result of that, Kayneth only feels comfortable when conversing with Lancer in spirit form as he does not have to face the Servant’s ravishing features.

Really, what good does beauty bring to a Servant in mortal combats ?

Still, Lancer’s appearance is not what bothers Kayneth most. The real subject of Lord Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald’s frustration is Lancer’s love charm which takes form of a beauty spot like a grain of tear under his left eye. This love charm, as both a gift and a curse given to him in his young age, makes Lancer uncontrollably irresistible to women and brought far more misfortunes than lucks to him in his past life. And yet, it proves to be completely useless in battles. Take the battle with Servant Saber as an example. Despite being a female Servant, Saber was immune to Lancer’s Mystic Face thanks to her high magic resistance. That made Diarmuid’s charm nothing more than an ornament. Had Lancer been able to charm and defeat Saber with little effort, Kayneth would not have been so terribly furious. All he could have done was inflicting a little wound on her arm and he went too far as showing off his silly childish chivalry, aiding her in the battlefield. Kayneth swore upon his title as lord El-Melloi that he would kick the handsome Servant’s ass ( literally ) if he did not need him, in fact, rely on him to attain the Grail.

Eversince Kayneth stepped in this eastern city known as Fuyuki, he has been constantly tormented by a dreadful headache. The sole reason for this suffering is his beautiful fiancée. Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri, the only daughter of his headmaster, a young and proud woman who will soon become his wife. Their marriage promises to prosper both families, enhance Kayneth’s fame, prestige and eventually create a greater lineage of magi. Though Sola seems not to be very approving of this arranged marriage, Kayneth has been anxiously waiting for the day he takes Sola’s hand and recite his marriage vow. From the very first glance, this bewitching woman has enslaved his heart. Red hair, crimson eyes, luscious body, this woman easily heats up the core of every men she meets, yet her cold personality chases away any that dares to show his face to her, Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri resembles an arrogant, spoiled princess. Of all the men who secretly adore her, worship her, only Kayneth had the guts to get close to her and thus, he earned his reward of being her future husband. To proudly show her his capability did Kayneth join this fierce war. Simply thinking about her eyes brimming with admiration when he offers her the Holy Grail on their wedding night is enough to make up for any hardships Kayneth has to face in this war.

But now, his painstakingly prepared future is at stake.

And that is because of one stupid handsome Servant’s arrival.

In order to participate in the war, having a Servant is the most essential part. Not only is the Servant a license to join this thaumaturgical battle, he or she is also the Master’s trump card : A powerful Servant will tremendously increase the chance to obtain victory and vice versa. With his high status in the Clock Tower, it took little effort for Kayneth to prepare himself with a strong Servant, that is, the famous King of Conquerors, Alexander. Kayneth was sure of his bright future until an unexpected twist of fate occurred : his relic was stolen by an ignorant student and he had to summon another Heroic Spirit instead.

The moment Lancer materialized in the glowing magic circle, Kayneth’s life has started to fall into misery. Mesmerized, enchanted, infatuated… what words should Kayneth use to describe Sola’s expression when she witness Lancer’s emergence. Kayneth swears he could count exactly how many times Sola blinked. None. Sola’s eyes were gluing on the Servant’s figure and she gulped with almost every of his movements, like she was some starving predator and the handsome Servant was her delicious prey, though that comparison may be a little bit insulting to her usual lady-like manners, Kayneth cannot find a more accurate way to describe Sola at that moment. Since then, unknown to the innocent Lancer, a mini “war” has begun among the three of them, which either Sola and Diarmuid as the trophy.

Sola loves shopping like every women in this world. Back in England, she often went shopping on weekends with two or three servants to carry her goods, which contains mostly clothes of the newest fad and cosmetics. When coming to this eastern city of Fuyuki, she does not change her habit. Regularly, every Saturdays and Sundays, Sola will catch a taxi and tell the driver to take her to the biggest shopping mall in town. As Sola’s fiancé, Kayneth would love to accompany her even following his wife to a shopping mall brings him no pride or glory. But she never gives him a chance to be a considerate husband. She coldly denies his company everytime she goes out, which Kayneth usually gives a frown upon but as a gentleman, he respects her freedom. Nevertheless, what tickles Kayneth’s senses is that one sunny day not long after Lancer’s summon, Kayneth saw Sola grab the Servant’s strong arm, half entreating, half demanding him to join her in her shopping. Servant Lancer, who typically appears in his dark green armor suit, now wore a modern white shirt and faded jeans. With his shirt open and a pair of sunglasses hung loosely on his collar, he looked like some male model than a Heroic Spirit from Celtic legends. This image of Lancer drew two entirely different expressions from his dual Masters : Sola was beaming with utmost satisfaction and Kayneth was having a dark cloud with thunders roaring above his head.

“ What’s the meaning of this, Sola ? “ Asked Kayneth with his brows knitted together.

“ I’m going shopping. It’s Saturday, isn’t it ? “ Sola replied nonchalantly. Never was she in the mood to answer Kayneth throughly while she was busy perfecting Lancer’s look with a small comb in her hand.

“ I know ! But why does Lancer look so ridiculous like that ? “

“ I think it’s ‘fashionable’. Ave, it’s pointless to argue over fashion with someone who always wears the same clothes days and nights like you. Lancer’s coming with me. Can’t let him walk around in his armor and weapons, right ? “

“ You never let me accompany you ! Why bring him along ? “ Slightly, Kayneth raised his voice, some of his composure faded away.

“ For my safety. “ The proud woman replied, half mocking. “ Unless you don’t mind other Masters attacked your fiancée. “

Oh gods from Heaven ! Kayneth could feel some of his neural veins pop out in sheer anger. “What ?! I can’t protect you ? “ was what he wanted to ask, no, shouted at her face but something such as yelling would be too vulgar for a proper man, so, Kayneth tried hard to suppress his raging fury.

“ He can protect him in spirit form, can’t he ? In materialized body, it will cost a lot pf prana. “

“ Oh, in case you forget, I’m the one who supplies his prana and I don’t mind that. “

Meanwhile, the poor Servant, main subject of the argument, was completely speechless between the angry couple.

Almost defeated by the sharp-tongued Sola, Kayneth managed to voice his last protest.

“ With his Mystic Face, he will undoubtedly cause mayhem at the shopping mall. “ Kayneth pointed at the beauty spot under Lancer’s left eye.

“ That’s why there’s a pair of sunglasses. “ Sola took the shades and put them on Diarmuid’s face. “ See, covered. “

Lord El-Melloi had met his first and ultimate defeat that way. Ironically, it was none other than his beloved woman that had dealt the final blow. Clinging to her Servant’s arm, the proud queen triumphantly walked them both to an awaiting cab, leaving behind a distressed Kayneth with his head held low. The handsome Servant gave one last glance at his Master, a hint of sympathy filled his eyes. Somehow, he had witnessed this scene before in his past life. He sighed quietly, thinking it was the first and not probably the last time he became the sole subject of this pair’s argument.

He was right.

Kayneth’s heart sinks in depression everytime he watches Sola’s returning and happily unloading her goods. Among the female outfits and cosmetics he is too familiar with, there is a considerably large amount of men’s clothes and accessories of various popular ( and expensive ) branches.

“ For whom ? “ Kayneth once asked Sola and soon, even himself found this query too stupid when the gorgeous Servant walked around dressing in the same clothes Kayneth had seen. Sola must have made him wear those outfits whenever he is not in battles. To make matter worse, Sola spends more and more time in Lancer’s company. She always seems to have an undeniable reason to go out with Diarmuid : Patrolling the areas to find other Masters’ locations, spying on them… If Kayneth shows a slightest sign of protest, Sola will give him a direct K.O by labeling his thoughtfully prepared plans ‘cowardice’, ‘wimp’…

When Sola’s infatuation to Lancer became intolerable, Kayneth decided to take some action. The young Diarmuid Ua Duibhne was given a love spot that would make any women desperately fall in love with him regardless of his own will; thus, this love spot made up his Mystic Face. So, after having carefully analyzed the situation, Kayneth came up with a solution : that cursed spot is the core of Sola’s overwhelming obsession. If by some chances that spot vanishes, the problem will be solved, Sola will come back to be a frigid damsel who rarely cares for anything or anyone, the way she captured his heart and mind in the first place. But by what means will that spot disappear ? Kayneth cannot just go out and destroy his Servant’s face for no obvious reason. Will covering do ? Glancing at a tiny object he has recently found, the prodigy magus grinned devilishly.

One day, Kayneth, who barely woke from his deep and sweet dream about playing happily with his children with Sola, a beautiful, content wife and mother, by his side, spotted the hunky Servant standing idly not so far from the bathroom’s door. Somewhat amused by his awkward pose, Kayneth asked through half-lidded eyes.

“ Why are you standing here ? “

“ Good morning sir ! “ Noticing his Master, the Servant bowed respectfully. “ Ur… Sola-sama told me to… “

“ Lancer, give me the towel, please ! The pink one ! “ A seductive voice came out from the bathroom, which unquestionably belonged to Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri.

Which his back faced the door directly, the Servant offered the towel only by his right arm, blushing like an overripe strawberry. A legendary hero was put in such an embarrassing situation, a scene like this is surely rare and hilarious. However, Kayneth did not find this circumstance funny at all.

“ Thank you ♥ “

Sola must have seen that look on Lancer’s face and she let out a naughty chuckle that Kayneth had never heard from the entire period he had spent with this woman. That dealt a harsh blow on Kayneth’s sanity. The magus clutched his right hand where the two remained Command Seals were etched, fighting hard not to use one of it to send this hateful Servant straight to oblivion.

“ Come to my room, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne ! “

“ But Sola-sama…”

“ Now ! “

Seeing his Master’s calm face darkened with anger, Lancer obediently followed his stomping feet.

“ Put this on your face ! Cover that spot ! “ Kayneth threw the tiny object into Lancer’s hand.

“ Huhm ? This is…a first aid bandage ? “ Lancer examined the object in bewilderment. When being summoned to this world, he was provided with enough knowledge to figure out what this thing is and what it is used for. However, what confused him was why his Master gave it to him. “ I don’t have any injuries at all. Even if I have, Sola will heal me right away. “

“ Are you questioning my order ? “ Kayneth glared. “ Don’t make me waste a Command Seal on such a trivial order ! “

“ No, I’m not, sir. “ A faithful knight as he was, Lancer did as he was told.

“ Don’t tell Sola and don’t peel it off. “

“ I will certainly not, Master. Now, if you excuse me, I must escort Sola-sama to the shopping mall in her quest of gathering goods and necessaries for the war. “

Just how stupid this guy is, Kayneth wondered. How are clothes and cosmetics ‘necessary’ for the war ?

Never mind, the sillier he is, the easier to control. Soon, Kayneth’s headache would be cured as the charm was lifted off Sola. That, he was pretty sure.

Hope that moron would obey his order.

Kayneth was extremely pleased when he saw the bandage stay exactly the same place it had been stick in the morning. It was like killing two birds with one stone : the bandage restrained the love charm from taking effect and by some way or other, lessened his ravishing beauty. No man could stay perfectly cool with a pink-bunny first aid bandage on his face. Definitely !

Kayneth waited faithfully for his little scheme to work out. One day, two days… A weak had passed and Sola’s infatuation bore no sign of cooling down, only heating up. Sora kept slipping away from him to fall in Lancer’s embrace, the hero who took a man’s life quick but a woman’s heart a hundred times quicker. How could that be ? The love spot was covered, its power should have faded away. Wait, was it the real cause of Sola’s strange behaviors ? Was it NOT because of the love charm that Sola has been acting all lovey-dovey to Lancer and totally ignored him ? Would one day she break the proposal ? No, as someone born from a noble family, Sola would not do such a inelegant thing. At least, that was what Kayneth wanted to think.

One night, when he was sitting on his luxurious sofa, enjoying the tranquility of the night, his door bursted open and Sola’s stomping feet chased away the quietness.

“ Hey Kayneth ! “

“ Is something the matter, Sola ? “

“ Order Lancer to peel off that embarrassing first aid bandage on his face ! “

Great, now she was ordering him to order his Servant.

“ I apologize, dear. As a Master, I should not interfere in his taste of fashion. “ Kayneth replied with mockery. “ Anyway, it looks better than the mole under his eye. “

“ That’s a beauty spot ! “ Sola corrected. “ You’re playing dumb, aren’t you ?  He didn’t take it off no matter how I ordered or even threatened him. Only you have the power to make him obey such a foolish order. “

“ What if I did ? From the day he was summoned, you’ve been enchanted by his love charm and acting like you’re his wife, not mine, neglecting me the whole time ! “

Sola arched an eyebrow, her crimson eyes sparkled with amusement.

“ Huh ? You’re jealous ? That’s rare for Lord El-Melloi ! “

“ Do I have the right to be angry ? Watching my future wife hanging out with another man days after days ? Watching her buying costly stuff for him and not a single thing for me ? “ Fuming, Kayneth almost jumped off his sofa.

“ To get jealous over someone like Lancer, you’re really childish, Kayneth.  And naïve, too. It’s not because of his love charm that I’ve been acting that way. Who do you think I am ? That charm has little effect on a proper magus like me.“ Seeing her haughty husband-to-be in such hilarious state, it was her sheer willpower that restrained her from bursting into laughters.

“ Then why do you seem over attracted to him while you’ve been unconcerned with me no matter how hard I try to please you ? Seriously, what do you find unpleasant about me ? “

“ Do you mind hearing the truth ? “

“ Is that a rhetorical question ? “

“ To be honest, even though you are my husband-to-be, we are incompatible. You’re too old for me. When we walk together, it seems like I’m walking with my uncle, not my husband. Plus, not only are you looking aged, you are dressing ‘aged’. Wearing this old fashioned robe days after days, how long has it been since you last updated your wardrobe ? No wonder why no woman wants to date you despite your wealth and fame. “

The earth beneath his feet was crumbling, Kayneth felt like he was thrown into the Black Hole. His heart shattered with every thorny words spilled out Sola’s lips. All his life, Kayneth has had more important things to concern than clothes or dates. Neither did he choose this type of clothes out of his fashion sense nor he cared about what women think of him. He has already had what other men always crave for : talent, fame, honor, wealth… No one dares to look down on him, let alone humiliate him, it’s him who should laugh at them, berate them. Yet, today, his world turns upside-down.

“ On the other hand, Lancer is perfectly-matched, in age or appearance. “

“ I’m only ten years older than you while that Lancer was probably older than both of us combined(2) . “

“ He doesn’t look like so. “

“ He had a wife and four kids !” (3)

“ Past tense ! “

Then, all of sudden, Sola’s harsh voice turned soft and tender, as if to console Kayneth’s wounded ego.

“ You don’t have to feel bad. According to this survey- Taking out her personal treasure, the latest PDA, Sola continued to explain- Lancer is a bishounen and you won’t be able to reach his level even in a hundred years. “

“ I ? Cannnot reach his level ? Just what the heck is a bishounen ? “ Though having no idea about the ‘bishounen’ thing Sola was talking about, it was still a humiliation to say a genius like Kayneth to not be able to match someone, especially when that ‘someone’ was his Servant. As a result of that, Kayneth yelled at his fiancée, not minding choosing appropriate words.

Accidentally, Kayneth had ignited Sola’s extreme fangirlism, which had been wisely hidden under the cold, indifferent personality of an aristocratic woman. As she kept surfing the net, her speech about ‘bishounen’ thing ran continously. For someone born from a magus family which leads a technology-free lifestyle, Sola’s skill in controlling this little device was truly amazing.

“A popular anime character type is the Bishonen, or “beautiful boy”, affectionately called “bishies” by fans who are particularly into the type. He is typically tall, slender with almost no fat and little to no muscle, androgynously beautiful, and no body or facial hair. “ (4) Lancer is a very clear example of a bishounen..(5)

“ Stop… “

The older man sank back into his sofa, both hands massaging his temples. There came his severe headache. While Sola was playfully checking her expensive PDA, she did not realize a deadly glare Kayneth sent to the small device. A question came out of his mouth that was quite irrelevant to their topic.

“ Where do you get that ? “

“ Oh, this one-Sola was beaming- I was lucky to get the last one on the previous Sunday. The numbers were very limited, you know. Ah, by the way- Sola took out a credit card from her pocket- Your account is suspended. Call your family in England to transfer some money or by the end of this week, we’ll be sleeping on the streets. “

Everyone, especially Lord Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald, could easily tell the cause of this financial disaster : All of Diarmuid’s voguish and expensive outfits and accessories are going to drag Kayneth to bankruptcy. He cursed the very moment he had decided to summon this womanizing Servant. Cursed his beauty, cursed his majestic body, cursed his love spot, cursed his every things.


An enormous noise that approximated a volcanic eruption came straight from his Master room was what the knight’s keen senses did not fail to catch, the handsome and faithful Servant rushed to its source in utmost concern. “ An ambush ? “ thought the knight in anxiety.

“ What’s going, Sir Kayneth ? “

When he entered the door, his startle halted his feet and rendered him speechless. On the floor was an unconscious Kayneth lying flat, steam emitting from his two ears and Sola standing in front of him.

The knight was relief to find his Master was still breathing. Quickly, he carried Kayneth to the nearby bed.

“ What happened, Sola-sama ? “

“ I have no idea. “ Shrugging her shoulders, the proud woman could not care less. “ He became pissed off for some unknown reason, took my PDA in attempt to break it. I thought I should cast a spell to cool down his temper but actually, I didn’t. As soon as he saw the picture I used as my wallpaper, he exploded. “

“ What picture, Sola-sama ? “ The knight frowned comically.

“ This one ♥ “

“WHA !? “

Even the mighty Heroic Spirit Diarmuid was shocked and lost balance as if a high-voltage electricity ran through his body. It was none other than himself in this picture, depicted in half-naked state.

“ Where… where do you get this, Sola-sama ? “ Asked the panicked Servant with his eyes widened.

In contrast with his, Sola was serene. Under that expression hid an over excitement when she witnessed her beloved man lost his composure. The magnificent power of the Internet simply surpassed that of magecraft, she thought delightfully.

“ There’re a lot more if you’re interested.” Sola let out a seductive chuckle. Not waiting for his reply, she browsed the gallery with ease. Over one hundred photos that focused mainly on Diarmuid, half of them portrayed him in exposing manner. Embarrassment heated his veins, making blood rush to his face, the Celtic hero was blushing from ear to ear.

“ Hohoho, you’re red. So cute !! “

Followed by silvery string of laughters, Sola took out a small camera from god-know-where. Light flashed and the hero’s priceless moment was captured.

“ Now I have something new to put into my collection ♥ “

Even when confronting hundred soldiers with only twin spears by his side had Diarmuid ever feared. Even when facing his own demise had Diarmuid ever feared. But now, the hero knew so well that his face grew gravely pale with fright. What would he do if his opponents saw these shameful pictures ? More importantly, how should he explain if Kayneth was to see these pictures ?

“ Don’t worry, that’s our little secret. I promise ♥ “ Sola whispered naughtily, as if she could read his mind. Anyway, it was not that hard to read his mind.

“ Now, don’t you think we should let Kayneth rest ? In the mean time, we can have a small sight seeing ? “

“ What about sir Kayneth ? I mean, aren’t we supposed to protect him ?

“ It’s not like he will be attacked tonight. After all, no one really knows he’s your Master. On the other hand-Sola glanced at Diarmuid meaningfully- I may be attacked and hurt if you refuse to escort me. “

“ That’s not what I mean. “ Hastily he replied. “ It’s my duty to protect my Master’s wife at all cost. “

“ Then what’re you waiting for ? Go and change quickly. Ah, wear that new black shirt I’ve just bought for you. “

“ Sola-sama, do I really have to ? “

“ Yes, you do ! It won’t suit my reputation if I let my Servant go out with me unfashionably. “

With his head held down in defeat, the knight slowly walked out, only to be halted by his mistress. “Wait ! “

As she spoke, the lady magus peeled off his pink-bunny first aid bandage in one swift movement, which had been stick to his facial skin for more than a week. No matter how he tried to ignore, it was getting really itchy.

“ That’s so irritating ! “

“ Sir Kayneth told me… “

“ It’s just Kayneth’s stupid test of your loyalty. Never mind it. “ Lies escaped her lips smoothly.

“ Now, go. I’m waiting for you downstairs. “

As Sola happily walked out the room, the handsome Servant let out a lengthy sigh.

The Holy Grail War had just begun, yet he had already had a bad premonition about it.



Note : This is another fic of mine about Lancer’s trio. As my other fic Vengeance is an Angst, this one is a humor fic with slight OOC-ness. Fate/Zero is just too gloomy and I really want lighten it a bit with some comedies. So, here it is The melancholy state of Kayneth

(1)   : As Zero Lancer gradually became my favorite character, I did a few researches about his legends and found some really interesting and awesome stuff about him. Some people might have falsely thought about him as an obscure hero in the Fenian Cycle compared to Fionn or Finn, the truth is Diarmuid is awfully srong and skilled in battles (as he is depicted in F/Z). There is a story that he fell in love with a beautiful but ill princess and he went to find the cure for her, which was ( if I remember correctly ) a golden cup, treasure of king of a faraway kingdom. When he arrived at that kingdom, the king mistook him for a strong invader and sent out soldiers to destroy him. Diarmuid had no other choices but to fight and he killed all 300 soldiers in 3 hours. The king got angry and sent out 400 soldiers and the same thing happened. Later, the king admitted defeat and gave him the cup, saying there was a prophecy that one day, a young warrior would come and destroy his soldiers. The ending of this story was quite sad as the price for the princess’s health was Diarmuid’s love for her. As soon as she drank the cure from the cup, he stopped loving her and returned to the Fianna.

(2)    :  As it is stated in his legend, Diarmuid did not die at a young age as Fate/Zero depicted him. He had lived happily with his wife and children for several years before his death ( not to mention the years Fionn had chased him and Gráinne around Ireland ). However his appearance in F/Z is acceptable since he had eaten the magical berries that could prevent aging from a giant ( mentioned swiftly in F/Z ).

(3)    :  Officially, Diarmuid has 4 sons. Some sources say he had 4 sons and 1 daughter.

(4)    : I quoted those from this website

(5)   : According to that same website, Zero Lancer is a bishounen :D. Although he’s not a ‘shounen’

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