You never know how good it feels unless you’ve tried it. The sensation of the sharp edge of a knife licking your skin, drawing out your blood; the utmost relaxation after your anger and frustration has died out.
Satisfaction and peace. You’re tempted to experience it again and again until you’re addicted to it.
There was a time when I felt so mad at someone that I took out a knife and slashed the back of my hand in front of his very eyes. At first, he stood there, slightly panicked when blood trickled down my arm. And then, weighed down by guilt, he tended my wound while I just sat there, laughing and crying like a psycho. I’m pretty sure my sanity was hanging on a thread. I was indeed satisfied. My little scheme had succeeded. I had managed to make him feel guilty and that was all I wished for. And I laughed. Hard. I laughed when tears kept wetting my face.
That was my first, noticeable attempt to scar myself.
There were also times when I ran either a curving knife or a shard of glass across my skin, when I pierced either my palms or my neck with my nails. I had ridiculously promised to myself that I would not cry. I had ridiculously assumed that tears weaken me, well, my annoyingly enormous ego to be exact. In order to suppress my tears, I more or less spilled my blood.
My parents never seem to notice my unusual wounds. It’s either they pay them no mind or they try to fool themselves out of their knowledge. Seriously, what’s good in knowing them anyway ? I don’t want to be more of a freak in their eyes. I don’t want my birth to be a burden in their lives. As long as I can, I’ll keep those wounds for myself.
“You can only hurt those who love you”. This is one of countless quotes a certain writer had written. Somehow, I feel it was strongly connected to my case. So sad is the truth that you can never hurt your foes when trying to hurt yourself. They won’t give a damn about how scarred your body is or how broken you are. They may even laugh at that. How pathetic ! In the end, you can only hurt those you want to hurt least.
So, next time you pick up a knife, my friend, just ponder this thought :
“Is it worth ?”